And for all my usual introspection, I haven't used birthdays as mile-markers in the past, as opportunities to think about the last year of my life and look ahead to the next.
And, as is to be expected, I have felt pretty restless in my twenties. I have felt the need for a plan, for direction, for some sense of life goals or at least next steps. As Adele put it, "We were sad of getting old; it made us restless." I've felt this. And I still don't really have a plan. Somehow, I'm learning to be patient. I'm learning that I'm not lazy or immature for my not-knowing. I'm learning to try be faithful in the becoming even when I'm not sure what or who I am, in fact, becoming.
Yesterday, a friend asked what my hopes and dreams are for my twenty-seventh year. I'm sure there are more things I subconsciously expect or secretly crave, but I came up with two things, both not at all unique to 27 and neither accomplishable in this year. But hopes and dreams nonetheless. As big as the sky.
First, I hope to be more settled in myself.
A dear, kind, lady at my church told me she's almost 80 and still figuring this out. That actually gives me hope. I means I won't fail if I don't figure it out in the course of the next year. It means that we're actually all learning how to do this. How to trust ourselves, be honest with ourselves, enjoy our own company, grieve what hurts us, give our true selves to others (the only self that can be of any help anyway). These last 26 years have been occupied with a lot of hiding, a lot of concealing, a lot of being ruled by the 'tyranny of the shoulds.' I hope that I will learn to lean into who I really am, and in that, to trust that God wants me to be that, right out in the open. Right in front of people, people who may love me or leave me. Because when we rest a true rest, we settle into our own selves. And somehow, for all our frustrations and imperfections, we figure out how to laugh at ourselves and take ourselves very seriously. I hope I can settle into myself just a little more.
Second, I want to be boldly kind.
"Do you experience yourself as unkind?" I was asked. "No." But I don't experience myself as bold. I feel that with the maturity of another year (hopefully), I should learn to do something with my kindness. A kind coward isn't much use to anyone. But kindness that breaks into an unwelcoming darkness brings a light so unexpected, what is often met with resistance results in a hope before unknown. Kindness is such a great abstract concept. But kindness expressed can be terrifying because it isn't always well received.
But it is true and good and beautiful. I want to be true and good and beautiful. In kindness.
Hopefully this writing will be beneficial. Maybe my 28-year-old self will thank me for these goals and dreams. Maybe I'll turn 28 with more uncertainty and trepidation than ever before. Either way, hopefully 27 will be a place for settling. For,
Here is a place to be boldly kind.